The emotional pain of loss, what can really help ?
The following is an excerpt from my book ‘Joy Beyond grief”
“The 7th July 1981, “the worst day of my life” was the entry in my diary. I was 14- years-old and had been journaling my daily activities and feelings every night for several years. This entry was sadly different than all that had been written before. My kind, caring, fun-loving dad had just died after a long struggle with lung cancer. The shock, the pain and sadness were excruciating to me but the long dark days after his death were equally unbearable.
My mother was hurting so much she couldn’t really help me and my older brother was struggling too. A couple of extended family members did try and help in their own way, but no one really knew what to do and to me it felt like I had no support at all. There was certainly no help in the form of professional aid. I was lucky to have the support from my wonderful best friend who was going through her own issues as her parents had just divorced. Still she was an enormous source of support, friendship and love and still is.
I felt so alone, and the definite lack of support only amplified that loneliness. School was generally quite a hostile place for me at that time. But you would think I would get some support there, right? Wrong. Looking back, I find it remarkable how cold and ignorant most of, but not all, my teachers were about my emotional turmoil. I had no help, with the exception of two teachers for whom I will be forever grateful to and therefore worthy of a mention. Mrs. Cox my Math’s teacher and Mrs. Bernadette my French teacher who both showed me kindness and empathy. I often wonder if they ever realised the massive impact they had on my life. I would like to thank those two ladies from my heart.
As time moved on, I felt even more alone. I had been an easy going young teenager but after my father’s death I became a rude, aggressive and generally disruptive young person and yet not one teacher or adult made a connection between the change in my behaviour and my loss, or if they did they did not let me in on it. To this day I find that remarkable.
My aim here is not to blame anyone. It was no one’s fault. I do not blame my mother; she was definitely doing the best she could. I do not blame my brother, he was going through his own pain and still managed to be there for me and still is. (I hope I am there for him now too). I do not blame my extended family or teachers for lack of understanding. I simply wanted to give an example of how in such difficult times support and speaking openly about loss is crucial. If I had been writing this some years ago it would certainly have been written through eyes of anger, but today it is written with love for all who were affected by the loss of my dad. I feel pure empathy and love for my mother and brother who did not receive much support either. I also now realise a major aspect of what happened or rather didn’t happen regarding our loss was the way in which we in this country deal with death. It is my firm belief that if I had received more support at the time my father died, many years of suffering could have been avoided. With hindsight I am so surprised at how little empathy and specifically emotional support and understanding was available to me considering it was only 30 years ago. Maybe my example is representative of a sign of the times or maybe it’s not; maybe it was just how loss affected me or maybe it is something familiar to you in your loss. Either way I just wanted to give you the background to my story and explain how lack of support at the time of my father’s death I believe was a crucial factor in how my grief came back to haunt me some 20 years later. “
“People start to heal the moment they feel heard.”
Cheryl Richardson
I have included this excerpt from my book as an example of the pain grief can cause and to emphasise how important emotional support is for loss and grief and generally how poorly we support those grieving in society. Unfortunately, I don’t think much has changed in terms of social and emotional support for loss and grief since the 1980’s when I lost my father. We seem to be quite a grief phobic society at least here (where I live) in western society. But my passion is to change that, I am not alone in the belief we need to change the way we deal with death and grief in society. I believe things are gradually shifting as people are becoming more aware of some amazing tools and techniques now available to those struggling with loss to help them feel supported. Energy technique’s including EFT and Matrix Reimprinting are simple, effective, supportive tools to help with the emotional pain of loss and for some help them to come to a realisation their loss can be a catalyst for the transformation of their lives. The amazing colour mirror system is another energy technique which can also be a personal and spiritual support for understanding and making sense of loss and on many levels can help integrate grief into one’s life. Quite honestly, to experience these tools is the best way to see their power. So, feel free to join me on one of my workshops or look for other practitioners who use energy techniques.